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In a bit of a pickle… it all seems so hopeless. Help?

u/ milehighPapi

Sooo where do i begin … I am a 30 ish year aged male partner and father( lad is 5ish) i circulate for succeed and am leave alot of the time. I have field tomorrow over a misdemeanour Domestic violence event in which was brought about in early July. I am not a man who believes it is right to made women and have not smash her. She says however narcicisstic and emotionally abusive and have been over the last 8 years of such relationships. Now i dont personally think i am either of those( although i may be frugal) i have never been seeking to divest her of her money or tell her that she can and cant spend her fund on what she misses. I pay about 75% of the legislations and have for the last 5 years weve been living together. We have separate reports, i predict we are only never get joint histories and i do not have access to her main checking account( i would think i business dictator would ?). In the last 3 years “weve had” bought a house and have been okay in terms of finances, never been rich or rich but we do okay and have the things we like and neat robes and the refrigerator remains stocked) I came from a good upbringing and guess i have always just wanted to have a cushion and i think thats where my prudence comes from. I have worked 12 hr+ eras for most of my adult life and in recent years have given it get to me a little more than regular. I guess what im saying is in reflection i think i was an asshole sometimes and maybe a little impatient with their own families( This is something i remember from my father when i was young, he was a good leader but i was always scared to ask things of him and we werent peculiarly close as he was always tired after use and wanted to relax ). I is well aware that he attended about and cherished me and tried his hardest( he was a young father 15 years old when i was born ). She has always said that it shouldnt problem if im tired and that i still have responsibilities at home. I do agree with that as it is true and logical …. i approximate i just wanted her to cut me a little break sometimes. As far as i view relationships and how i discussed ours … it is 2019 no longer should there be gender roles i.e if i get home first i cook, clean-living and vice versa. If you cant view a partner as equal than thats not much of a partner right? In 2012( the year she became pregnant with my lad) i developed a bad dres while i was away working and she was alone at home most of the time. I started doing methamphetamines and it spiraled out of control pretty quickly to the point we lost our apartment and she had to go through the later part of her gestation and the early months of our lads life at her parents residence. During this time i was not myself, i went through being homeless, and alot of other frightful trash that hurts to think about. She was there for me and stood with me through alot of shocking shit( i chiselled, i lied, and was an overall piece of shit until one day my papa finally tracked me down and somehow convinced me to go to treatment for my addiction) My dad saved my life and i went to a program in my hometown where i lived in a dormitory and paid tariff and relearned alot of important abilities that are vital for a ordinary epoch to era life. I attented regular satisfies and was made to take regular drug tests and hindered accountable. I was released from the program after about 4 months and went to live with family in the same town. At the end of the same year i had gotten a really good job and we were able to move out to a condo and we have lived together since. I had a very good job throughout this whole time until about 4 months ago when i left to get back in an old-fashioned industry where i am currently and where i travel alot but make a pretty good annual salary. over the years we have doing well and been overall fairly fortunate( i think ?) and achieved a lot of things like i said( buying a house et .) that we wanted to. Well around last october my mom was released from prison and the stimulant gradually pussyfooted its action back into my life …. on halloween i used meth before we went to see one of my partners friends parties … she found evidence and announced me out on it in a very concerned manner … commonly she wouldve flipped her shit, left and made a big deal out of it but this time she was truly concerned. She adoration me alot this i know. I told her the truth and said i was just curious and it wouldnt last-place. It is now august and since then she has found meth hidden in my truck or other situates multiple times …. she has been upset about it but for the most part was able to look past it because i am still successful and have determined sure the proposals were paid and saved operating regularly. A few goes “shes had” discovered quite substantial amounts and was indicated that she reddened it or had moved spray on it and gone rid of it. A little embarassing but the main reason i tried it again was to use it as kind of a viagra if you are able to. Our sex life became a little boring over the last year and i could sense that she wiould move back and was not interested in me the majority of members of the time( i.e tired , not tonight and only overall not very excited to bone) in october when i tried it again this did conversion and things between us in the bedroom have been totally different) In may i left my job i was at for about 5 years and went back to the job i was at when i started expend( got a nice offer and figured i would get away and do the right thing and cease exerting alltogether. I was working a rotational planned where i would work about 30 daylights and then come home for a week or so. In july when i came home right before the 4th of july i was out very late one night on a sunday i think has and she had work the next day i got a text from a friend who had gotten a duet and went to pick him up and make him residence … i got home about 6am as she was getting ready for work i could tell that she was pissed. She said she wasnt mad but something did seem curious. She went to work and i started cleaning up the house and working on a vehicle thats been sitting for a while at the chamber of representatives. I fell asleep in our bed and objective up leaving my paraphernalia on the dining room table … turns out she came home and obtained this as i was sleeping so she announced my pa to have an intervention. I woke up after succeeding 31 periods straight-shooting 15 hourish days … and then driving 12 hrs straight-shooting from work on the last … to an intervention i was not ready for. My dad and partner were in the living room asking me what i was doing and telling me i should come home from where i was working( if i could i would change what i did next a million times over, it recurs me to this day) i first disclaimed the drug use and said i had just been working alot and then my spouse started to pack her substance and said she was leaving with our son. At this time i freaked out, questioned my pa to leave and when he wouldnt i hit him and saw him leave( this i am absolutely ashamed of) just leave and my bride called the police. I shoved her on the way out( not very difficult but still shouldnt have) i got in my vehicle and left. About a block away i realized that i had no wallet or phone so turned around to grab them i figured i would go eat and clear my front. As i get back she is on the phone with 911 and in a madnes i approximate i affect her vehicle( area swiped it pretty good and then got out and proceeded to kick the door which i likewise messed up pretty good) i was looking at her hurt and shocked questioning her why she was doing this. She told you did this … you did. I left the house again without getting my keys or wallet and then eventually stupidly decided to come back. This time i was gathered over about a block away from my house … the police made a look at her auto and said they were similar to the size of my feet and i went to jail that day. Fast forward I have not been able to go home since the working day and simply been able to see my son one time( that was nice 😉 ). Since then my spouse has made it clear that she is scared of me and has been very adament about enforcing the protection degree issued by the state in any DV case. She has made it clear that she requires a breakup and eventually to hire a mediator to separate assets and figure out a parenting schedule. This killed me …. i love my family and want nothing more than to try and fix things. I have been willing to acknowledge that i do have issues with anger at times and craving and have made very clear that i am willing to go to therapy, counseling and to the things it will take to illustration things out. She has said that she cannot forgive me and doesnt believe we will ever be back together. Over the last couple months i have been a shell of myself still having to travel to a lieu i dislike, exertion long hours and offer all of our mutual bills with no help from her. Havent been able to speak with my lad much and she is using the protection order to enforce that. I dont want to accept the divorce i honestly cant believe this is real … it all happened so fast and i am very sad and lonely at this quality. Now i must add that there were a few terms since about april i had noticed my wife acting strange( shaking while putting on makeup, the practice she was having sex was much more intense than normal, and one time when we were arguing she said without realizing “maybe youre the one thats on meth !!! she realized what she said and then came actually hushed. i rejected this and entered it apart. One of the last periods i was home with her we sat and i mentioned in a roundabout way that i know what was going on and i know what this shit is and does … that i blamed myself for producing it around and that “shes not” me she was better than me and that she shouldnt do this shit. She did not deny she hung her premier and stood placid. One of the times i was home last-place( after the incedent) she let me to grab some invests of mine and in one of my laundry basket was her fuzz brush … a touch id investigated her abuse everyday for the last 3 years. I took tests of her hair off of this brush and send it in to a government grade forensics lab. This lab does toxicology, dissection, dna, assault equipment testing … the whole shabang. The rationale i moved this in is because i had to know for myself what was happening. She is at our house with my lad and she has not been willing to talk to me not even once. I have told her that i will file for a joint divorce( she queried and was being very pushy about me doing it fast) i asked her if i could call and speak to her about the mediation and what to expect she said she wasnt ready to talk to me. She has said this everytime i ask and it has been a very painful thing for me emotionally. There was a time about a month ago i spoke with my son on skype and he was acting like he had come into contact with meth … so i saved the videos. Fast forward a little bit 2 days ago i got the results in for the mane follicle exam i submitted of my wives hair … the levels of thc were pretty high( i expected this as we both smoked marijauna together for a very long time ). The levels of Methamphetamine that came back were through the roof … 2000 pg/ mg and the cutoff for testing is 200. This whole time i am beating myself up …. thinking of what a piece of shit i am and how ive let down and ruined my family( which i did afterall) and she is doing exactly what she is accusing and executing me over. My son when we hung out told me he “ve missed” … i said i miss you too buddy well be hanging out alot more here soon. He then said … i miss my momma extremely …..? i said what are you talking about you guys are together all the time. He siad she always takes me to papas house or she stays in her room with the door fastened and wont let me in. She has been acting different and now i know why …. i am worried about her as she is completely pulling away from me and opposing me on all levels possible. Last week i was taken to jail on the day i got back form operating another hitch and was getting ready to pick up my lad from clas … i was parked in the driveway of my house when the local pd pulled up and took me to jail for violation of a defence degree. I ligament out the next day and then sunday before “i m leaving” back to work i was dropping off coin, a couple of other things for their own families. The next day about 30 min after i got the results on the “hairs-breadth” follicle test i got a call from my advocate informing me my bride called the DA said she saw me at the chamber of representatives last-place night and they were filing a motion to revoke my bail. i have been working through all of this and paying all of our reciprocal monies …. killing myself inside just scared of the future without my partner. Come to find out she is flying high as fucking on meth …. I have field tomorrow and may go to jail for awhile because of the whole bond thing … the only reason i was close to the house was to drop off money for her and my lad at a neighbourhood where she asked me to drop it off …? I am scared and if i go to jail i may lose my job …. ultimately i am scared of losing my family but it seems that may once be the case. There is more to the story i am not sure and unable to prove but judge she may be pregnant …. and i also think it is another mans baby.( this i am unsure of but have a suspicion that is why she wanted me to file for divorce so fast ). She has been solid for 8 years and stood by my back through alot …. with this evidence i have of my son looking high-pitched over video chat and her hair follicle results i have a good chance at repudiating anything she says tomorrow at tribunal but this would ultimately ruin her life( especially if shes pregnant and ultimately that affects my lad) i would like to get ahead of this and somehow get ahold of her( i was just thinking about announcing her brother or momma perhaps) to let her know that i love here and have this info and i can prove shes been going high-pitched and that she shouldnt try to lie tomorrow at field to get me put in jail because i will have to use the info i have against her to save myself. Ultimately that they are able to most likely set my son in stimulate charge … I cant contact her because of the restraining order and it is showing that she is not playing nice … she isnt thinking straight-out. What should i do ????? should “i m calling” her friend tell him what i know and that im perturbed and ask him to talk to her? Does she still adoration me and precisely not belief straight-out or is it over? I feel like if she is pregnant from somebody else i could at least try and look past it and truly forgive her and move on … doing things differently and sober and be happy. what do i do? how can i save my bride and kid. I feel like she is seemingly happier without me but i also dont conceive she is herself … can it be saved? Should I just chill TF out?

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