hello i am going through an extremly weird thing in life. that i cannot seem to be able to understand what it is about. im sorry but this is going to be a very long rant. and there is a way too much going on in it. like beyond rhyme and reason kind of stuff but maybe you might just even read for fun

hello i am going through an extremly weird thing in life. that i cannot seem to be able to understand what it is about. im sorry but this is going to be a very long rant. and there is a way too much going on in it. like beyond rhyme and reason kind of stuff but maybe you might just even read for fun

so even from the time that my mother concived me i have always just assume surround with drama.

when my mother got pregnant with me my mother went through sever complications. she was only 17 at that time but for some reason the pergancy was critically complicated. i havent talked much to her about it so dont know what exactly it was all about but all i do know form all the talk that i have heard of the narrative about my delivery is that all physicians had raised their hands and given up on me surving the pergancy.

but hitherto at the end of period here i was perfectly normal and healthy as a regular newborn could be.

But regrettably my parnets were not gladly married. and my mother never demanded me. and all of her pregnacies ever were severly involved and she never manged to give birth to any other child except me.

but then likewise bc of my parents unhappily marriage my father was an absentee dispite being marride the whole time and all of my childhood was basically an excpericnace of being raised by a narcissist- my mother.

but honstly i did not have much to complain about bc i was a unusually naive child and most of my childhood i never really fairly made any notice of how egotistical my mother truly was up untill around the time that i became a teenager.

other wise in my entire category there was only one person who was truely an un maliced masterpiece and she was my grandmother. but unfortunatel she died from breast cancer when i was in 5th gradation around just about in her 50′ s exclusively. and till today( i am 34 yrs old) to me it may seem like a loss i will never recover from.

when i went to high school there was this one guy who had a crush on me but he was a bully and i spent all of my “schools ” going bullied by him.

then right from around the time i was in high school my mother had already kept in mind a person that she wanted to marry me to started talk about marrying me. and the whole time i was so naive i didnt even know that all i had to say was just no to my family to get out of it. and by the time i was 22 they gave so much pressure on me about it that agreed to the marriage and got married to him. despite that i never really wanted to simply bc i did not know that all i had to do was just say no.

anyway aftet i got married things in my life escalated over light. suddenly it was like everyone i ever knew right in my own family and closest to me was just out to digg at my union and fucking it up for me and they werent even being deceitful about it and doing it behind my back. it was all happening in my face and infront of me. and this even included my own mother.

and obvious to me i thought that if this is how things were going to be already then i didnt need to put up with the union and 5 month in a walked out of it.

after i walked out my mother started with this branding and labeling me as mentally challenged. and i tried talking to my father a got a couple of ages but he only became a yes man to me in my face and a yes man to everybody else that apposed me in their face and he was not making it a seceret either.

i was litrally being forced to see concellors and take threapy constitute what every tom dick and harry councelor that anyone ever told them.

to the point that this one concellor i saw was a retired person but was considered to be the best psycologist of all of record and took up the request to councle me merely specifiaclly as a personl favour through the request of some social relationships that my parents had. but thats not all of it.

i went to see this person at his house and through out the session my mother was peresent in the apartment with us the whole time which other thrapists never did. and then at one point this guy was just rambeling on about some unfairness my activities were generating my mother. which was absoulte to the peeks of mounteverst and beyond total bull. my mother was literally doing drama to the point of phony crying to establish the this chap make her slope instead of mine and this was all happening with the both of them obvioulsy in chime with each other. and since i was obviously being falsely cornered by them i shut down and stopped interacting and simply departed speechless. and then the next thing is what is really the portion caught me off gaurd. and this brutal retired old hag of a healer started shrieking at me. litterally cowering over the top of my pate and squealing at me at the fucking top of his lungs that i was the one at fault for everything whatever that their communication was all about.

i had never thought that a diminish was even capable of such a thing. and regardless i never went back to see him. but i never had anyone to talk to about any of this ever the whole. bc it was like everyone i every knew my totality life had turned on me.

a year later things between me and all my family got so bad that one day my father who had never even had any role in my entirety life got to the point of physically abusing me one night.

after that i told them that i was an adult and that i did not need to live with them any more and that i wanted to move out. at this my father put down his foot and he’s like you cannot move out unless you move out of the country. i am not allowing you to move out anywhere inside this country.

and i had never wanted to go abroad ever but at this place i even made this likelihood and went to study in canada for a 2 and 1/2 year course.

but then things took an even worser turn at this time. and this is the part which is the main bit for which i am wrting this whole post. and it is really a very weird part that is hard to make any sense of what so ever at all.

but the first day i went to college this one guy persisted his head out at me and smiled at me as a affectionate guesture to warm me up to him. but when i turned and inspected in his direction all i could see and think of the person that bullyed me in high school.

and i could not even are to be achieved and make friends with a single person in college and discontinued up has become a recluse the whole time. and on top of everything the estimations about the person that bullied me in high school just opened like deluge entrances after that day in college and precisely has not been able to stop and move way.

all this happened in September 2009. and this is September 2019. and it has been precisely 10 yrs now since then and they still have not stopped. i have no idea why i get them ldk if it is some kind of ptsd

but it doesn’t even outcome there. and this the reall ugly part of it all. and i could sewar by it that these hopes feel like they are being imposed under me from the outside bc there is no way in the world that i could have ever thought of anything like it on my own ever.

but it was like i was hearing express in my leader that were constanly nagging me and forcing me that i was in love with him and that i wanted to marry him and that i should contact him and tell him all of this.

up till winter break i neglect all of it. in winter snap i unfortunately went back home and was jusy out with my faimly at a mall one day. and i even terminated up runing into this guy at that mall.

but we only encountered one another from great distances in a momentary gleam from the reces of the eyes and not eye to eye. and that was it.

after winter break i came back to canada and my believe/ enunciates in the intelligence/ delusions what ever you could call them still has not been able to stop and go away to a notes that in february i looked him up on facebook and acquired his chart on it. and it turned out that he was already committed to this one chick from school.

and my believes now advanced to the point of trying to compell me to the point of building him broken off his engaement. and not one of it felt like it was me myslef that is ready to do any of it personally. it was all just like i was being forced to do it by someone that had somehow learnt a style to driect me immediately through speaking with thinkings in my brain.

but one day in february i mesaged him on facebook and he was out on a dinner date with his groom-to-be. and i just dropped a hello. and this guy is literally like are you abruptly interested in me now bc i have money now. and started accusing me of being a gold digger. and instantly we ended up in an spat with one another which he then went on and even told his groom-to-be about who immidately made the phone from him and got into a spat of her own with me. and it just got cut short at that and that was the end of it. and we never contacted each other again.

fast forwading i could not end up finishing my cource in Canada and came back home after 2 yrs. and after a year or less my parents seperated. not divoreced. they remain currently not divorced but my father tells me that my mother told him that she is already in a relationship with a married man specified Harry but still will not divorce him bc accept she still intendes to take a dig at my inhertance from my father at the drop-off of any opening that arisies.

but anyway at this pitch after my parents seperated it became clear to me why my mother had started off with the lable of calling me mentally ill. it was all because she was looking for an out of the wedding the whole time. and apparently claiming that me and my fathers whole side were menatlly unstable was a way for her to give valid socially acceptable intellect for why she could not put up with us anymore and leave.

and formerly this happend it finally became clear to me why she did all the things she did.

and then at this extent i was like okay now that this label that they labelled me with has performed it puropse i guess i have no more reason to worry about anything anymore and things should start get ordinary now.

instead the labeling and branding would still not stop. and i started to get into even bigger spats with both sides of my family to a point that they started to institutionalise me into rehabs. first it was my aunt from my mother side that positioned me away for 2 moths.

after that i moved to my fathers side. and started lives with an aunt from my fathers side and 4 yrs passed by without theatre for the first time since 2008. and everything despite that my delutions were still present things started to look good again.

and at this point in time i started to tackle the problem of these illusions that whould still not stop. and i contemplated maybe one of the ways i can takle it is if maybe i try to meet new people with whome i can have a more positive experance with and maybe it might help. and hoestly it certainly is not to me seem like it was ever going to be possible but then tinder was the brand-new bustle in municipality and i downladed it and simply genrally was beginning to time chat online. and in 2016 i met these 3 guys out of which who was such a sweetened nerve when we first filled that after about a year of chit-chat with him online well stopped thinking about the the hight clas bully almost completely.

but i didnt connect with any one of them good enough to completely get out of it. but chitchatting with them was genuinly the one of the best part of my life after a very long time and very welcome relife. but i lost touch with all of the people after 2018 and my tinder chronicle got restricted permanently and “its not” a reversable ban.

i tried downlading other apps but nothing of them have gangs like there where on tinder in 2016. and nothing of the guys on them shape me feel like much.

but then anyway in 2018 even my aunt who had been putting up with perfectly fine all of the last 4yrs suddely like really beacuse she could. at this target its like everyone and every one i know has just made it a liberty of passageway to tread on me and get past to proove divinity knows what and get deity is well known honours. its like quiflying a degree for everyone around me at this point to get to the next thing in life.

all over a fucking feline. aftet i lost touch with all the guys i reputed maybe i should try getting a domesticated and i could be like a pet thrapy. bc i dont fucking lack anything to do with actual decreases ever

but my aunt tossed me out of the house all of a sudden after about two months of having the feline in her room suddely say she did not hanker it.

and my father chucked me into rehab for to three months last year time beacuse he could.

after that abruptly everything became a lot better in “peoples lives” suddenly again. my father started being really nice to me all of a sudden. money wise “hes never” riesteicted me this whe hour up till now still. but this time he even renovated one of our houses and gave me the keys to live in to all by my ego and bought me my first vehicle last year in december.

adn i was literally like is it for real. excpet my deluitions and thoughts and all of that stuffabout the bully simply deters getting worse and worse in my subconsciou. and i still dont know how to fix them. like dont get me wrong they are still not as bad since 2016 but in a way at the same time still acting up even more than ever. like somedays i literally question my normality bad.

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